Who Am I, Really (A Reflection)

Today, I am experiencing a realization that I believe will positively influence the rest of the week and it is something that I can take with me into the rest of my life. 

I was sitting cross-legged on my zafu and zabuton cushions when this line suddenly entered my mind: I am not fear.

It may sound obvious, but for as long as I could remember, I would associate myself with the word, fear.  I believed that I had always been afraid and would always remain afraid.  The “I” I came to know was linked to “fear” in a way that could never be disconnected.

But as I sat on my cushions early this morning, I heard the chord snap.  I felt the immense peace that is within me, which comes from God.  I felt as if I freed this quiet part of me, this one that observes and does not interrupt or demand attention.  I experienced the light of the Wise One streaming through the harsh criticisms and the dark delusions I’ve believed.  I listened to the steady hum of the calm me that is and was.  It wasn’t a long moment but a truly memorable one.

In that moment, I realized that I am home.  Perfection, the Holy Spirit, is here with me and acts from this place.  Because of the Holy Spirit, I am home. I may not always respond to my life’s pain and changes with this realization, but the truth will always be with me, softly humming behind hurried thoughts, accessible when I am ready to listen again.  Throughout grief, confusion, longing, nostalgia, and disappointment, it will remain.

Happiness, excitement, sadness, anger, and yes, fear, are not constant.  They come and go.  There is much more to being peaceful than speaking slowly, not experiencing a racing heart, and having an expressionless, relaxed face.  While outer changes can help create inward changes, I believe it is a wonderful practice to acknowledge the calmness and stability that already exists within, the faith that already exists, the confidence that already exists, no matter how small.  Over time, these qualities will blossom as they are noticed, as they are nurtured, as they are watered in prayer to Christ.

13 comments

  1. Have you ever read \”Hind's Feet in High Places\”? This post made me think of it probably because the main character's name is Much-Afraid but after a harrowing journey (that is allegorical for a spiritual journey) the Shepherd (God) gives Much-Afraid a new name, Grace-and-Glory.Anyhow, this is just wonderful and very well-said. It is so true that emotions like happiness and sadness etc. are fleeting, but the peace that only God can give us is everlasting.

  2. Oh Jade, I can soooo relate to this. I have been more aware of fear (and trust) lately as well. One of my 2011 resolutions is to conquer if (day by day). It really creeps up on my and before I realize it, I am consumed. Thanks for this great post.Andie

  3. This is wonderful. I've tried to replace fear in my life with understanding; I seek to better know that which I don't understand and view things I'm wary of as opportunity.I struggled two years with a friendship that suddenly ended. There was no animosity, we just suddenly lost contact. Last year I finally found peace with it in realizing that things happened as they had to.Thanks for your comment on my blog Jade.

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