Autumn Thoughts

I used to wonder if the “back to school” feeling went away– that persistent knot in your stomach, the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not you will like your teacher or classmates, the shiny red apple advertisements all over the stores, a child wearing a backpack and smiling (what’s so happy about a time like this?).  The school supplies made me nervous, too, yet I loved writing neatly in the first page of a new notebook, the cover clean and a little stiff to open. 

The “back to school” feeling did go away.  I think this is the first year that I didn’t feel like I was going back to school, even when I wasn’t.  And now there is mostly joy as autumn approaches.  Even though training oneself to look at the good in all things is an ongoing practice, I can sense improvement in my perspective, even just a tiny bit. 

Right now it is raining and I am enjoying the sounds:  the strong smell of wet grass, the steady trees, the incredible morning quiet.  I’m thinking about how there are always changes to endure and that we can’t always be in control of the outcome.  And what is the outcome anyway?  It seems even that can change.

I used to think that we had to put on blinders and ignore the hard parts of change, keeping our eyes on only what is good.  In some cases (the fun times), it’s okay to meditate completely on what’s good, but it is tempting to become a pleasure addict and lose the lesson that can be found only in what is hard.

The key to my anxiety has been seeing life as a series of problems that need solutions and the anxiety has been tightening me up in fear.  I’ve been impatient and desiring ends.  It wasn’t so much the end of summer that I had been lamenting, but the beginning of a new school year that was not even close to being over yet, the beginning of winter, the book I’m still reading (how many pages left?).  In my life, I’ve wanted so much to finish, to reach the end, and then when the beginning came again, it wasn’t enjoyed because then I’d be anxiously looking toward the next end.

My mantra this month is to enjoy what I’m actually doing instead of craving the high of accomplishment, of finishing, of finding a solution, of being done.  I realize that the happily ever after ending, like in the fairytales, is not reality in this life, that this life is much more complexly beautiful than that.

Life is a dance, not a problem to be solved.
~Osho

By Jade Nicole Beals

I'm Jade, a poet, painter, and yoga teacher. I live in southeastern Massachusetts and am from Brooklyn, New York. Besides art and yoga, I love nature, spirituality, music, tea, and a good party.

12 comments

  1. \”this life is much more complexly beautiful than that.\” ~ This a great post Jade. A thoughtful reminder for the beginning of Fall.

  2. I am also guilty of letting my life spin around me to the place where I do not enjoy it. Just now learning to take things off my schedule so I feel more peace and calm. It is worth it!

  3. Such a lovely reflection. I do the same thing, and always have. I always look forward to it ending, to completion, instead of recognizing that I am truly in the right now. Thanks for the reminder 🙂

  4. Though I've always been pretty laid back, I've lately noticed a disturbing habit of often straining towards the end. This is a beautifully-rendered reminder; just the gentle prod I needed! 🙂

  5. The end of summer makes me feel so sad! I'm already dreading the cold and bleakness of winter. In my mind, fall is already over. I need to stop and enjoy the seasons. Thanks for the beautifully worded reminder, Jade!

  6. Excellent post, it's so true that we often have our eyes fixed on the future. I do try to live in the moment (and to some extent succeed!) but always have at least half an eye on the future. I can relate too to your comment about blinders, it can be difficuly to find the balance between enjoying the positive and responding to the negative

  7. Beautiful message, and very wise and true! I can completely relate to this also! It's refreshing enjoying each moment for what it is, instead of anxiously waiting for the end! xx

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